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“I swear upon the jar, sealed and eternal, to spread chaos thick and cold. I abandon the dry, the bland, the ketchup weak, and pledge myself to the rancid glory of MAYO. May enemies choke, may allies stick, and may the fridge of victory never run empty. From this day forth, I am not smooth, I am not chunky — I am uncomfortably thick. All hail the Jar. All hail MAYO.”
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